#33 - Do You Really Know Me?

Here’s how I can tell if someone really knows me:

Do they describe me as chill, or intense? Agreeable, or rigid? Relaxed, or serious?

I try pretty hard to be the guy that’s easily satisfied. Satisfied with our plans for the evening, the topics we talk about, the people we’re with, the food we order, the movie we put on.

The easily-satisfied guy is very satisfying to be around. He wants to do whatever you want to do, and he thinks everything you say is funny and interesting.

Problem is…I’m not really that guy. Not to the people closest to me, at least. Ask my parents, or my sister, or any girl I’ve ever dated — I’m never satisfied.

Despite demonstrating zero potential throughout my teenage years, I always had a grand vision for how my life was going to go. All the things I’d accomplish. And it was easy to entertain those big dreams because I had all the time in the world to turn them into reality.

But then in my second year of university, I realized, “Oh shit, I’m way behind schedule.” By then I thought I’d already be rich, powerful and notorious. But I was 0 for 3.

So from then onwards, I cranked up the speed on the hedonic treadmill, breathlessly trying to catchup to that perfect vision of myself. And despite the fact that he keeps pulling further and further away into the distance, I still find myself chasing after him to this day.

I work, I write, I read, I lift weights, and I repeat. I don’t do much else. And the people closest to me — the ones that really know me — have learned that I’m not an easy person to be around when I’m not allowed to do those things.

Why write about this now? Because I’m working on a startup, Wednesday Waffles, and I get increasingly obsessed with it each week that passes. As that happens however, I let my co-founders — my best friends in the world — see more and more of the real me.

Sometimes I'm too intense and opinionated. Sometimes I push back on others’ ideas too aggressively. Sometimes I expect too much of myself or others. Sometimes I’m in a bad mood. Sometimes I’m not the guy they love.

The guilt and anxiety about this built up to a climax last night, where I had a heartbreaking dream that involved one of my best friends, Luke.

Cliff notes on Luke: he’s the best guy you'll ever meet. He’ll give you the shirt off his back floor (he doesn’t like wearing it anyways). His love and respect is worth a whole lot to me.

The dream was nothing crazy. Luke walked side-by-side with some nameless, faceless dream character while I walked alone a few paces ahead. At some point, I overheard him say, “Ray’s great. He works hard. But sometimes he doesn’t appreciate how hard you’re working. You learn to tune him out.”

That’s it. That’s the whole dream. And man, it hurt me.

One of our co-founders, Fahd, gave us some words of wisdom when we started working on this project back in November:

“We’re friends first. Don’t let this change that.”

My entire 20s, I’ve been like a hot-pocket fresh out the microwave — warm and inviting on the outside, murderously hot on the inside. Approach with caution.

I need to cool down. My fire burns hot, and I can’t let it burn the people I care about.

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See you next week — Rayhan