#11 - The Most Dangerous Lie Young People Tell Themselves

I planned on writing about this lie a couple of week’s ago, but ended up writing about 5 other lies instead:

I wanted the “5 lies” I described there to be the intro to this lie — the appetizer to the main course.

Those lies stop you from getting the things you want. But this lie makes you want the wrong things.

That’s why it’s way more dangerous, and why it deserves its own article.

This lie is one you want to believe. This lie quietly pulls all the major strings in your life. This lie continues to creep back into your head long after you’ve realized it exists.

It’s a lie I’ve told myself all my life.

That is, up until March 2022, when I had dinner with my Big Brother at a vegan restaurant in Vancouver. There, he asked me a question that changed everything.

Every year, me and my friend David fly out to Vancouver to visit some of our best friends from college. One of them is my fraternity “Big Brother” (a mentor you’re paired with when you join), who moved out west with his partner during the pandemic.

Our first trip to Vancouver was in 2021. At that time, I had just quit my Management Consulting gig to work full-time on my own pre-seed funded startup.

They say happiness = reality - expectations, and despite how high I set the bar for myself, I felt like I was keeping pace.

The gap between ‘reality’ and ‘expectations’ was small. I was happy.

That gap grew to a gulf over the next year.

I ended a 4-year-long relationship. I blew through my startup funding with little to show for it. I gained 25 pounds on the scale and 40 in the mirror.

My ‘reality’ fell well short of my ‘expectations’. I wasn’t happy.

Around that time we took our second annual trip to Vancouver, and it was just as fun as the first. Our friends, as per usual, were perfect hosts. Everyone was thriving in their lives and careers, but no one more so than my Big Brother.

He was engaged to the love of his life. He climbed the ladder quickly at a Fortune 500. His job paid him handsomely and put him in rooms with celebrities and business tycoons routinely.

I expected to leave Vancouver recharged. Instead, I was charged up. I wanted so badly to have the level of success my friends had. More, in fact.

So as I packed my bags to return to Toronto, I promised myself that I’d sacrifice whatever it took — sleep, exercise, social time, family time, dating, anything — to amass the wealth and power I thought I’d have by now.

That way, I’d be worthy of the friends I had around me. That way, I wouldn’t be left behind.

And that’s the dangerous lie that so many young people feed themselves: that money and power buys you love and respect.

That lie was all that was on my mind until, a few hours before my flight back home, my Big Brother invited me to a Vegan restaurant for a quick goodbye dinner (I was still trying to be vegetarian back then).

I’m an anxious traveler, and I felt like the dinner would cut close to my flight. But for my Big Brother, the answer was always yes.

At dinner, we chatted about lots of things. Mostly his upcoming wedding.

It was nice, albeit a little awkward for me at times. It can sometime be hard to be completely at ease with someone you look up to, even when they’re one of your closest friends.

And everyone looked up to my Big Brother, not just me. But maybe not for the reasons you’d think.

Sure, he was wealthy. But he was generous too. Always willing to pay for the Uber out to the club and the late-night junk food on the way back.

Sure, he got a lot of ‘wins’ at work (and didn’t mind letting you know about them). But he was just as quick to celebrate your wins with the same pride.

Sure, he had an important job with important to-dos. But that never stopped him from proactively planning group activities and being fully present when he was at them.

Money and power had nothing to do with why I loved the guy. Money and power has nothing to do with why anyone loves anyone.

Deep down, I always knew that. Even before that dinner. But I clung to the lie all the same: that if I had money and power, people would love me for it.

And I was about to hop on my flight home with that lie growing in my brain like a weed.

Until my Big Brother asked me a question that ripped that weed out by the roots…

He asked me to be his Best Man.

Me — fat, single, unemployed, and living with my parents.

I seriously thought I misheard.

It was the ultimate sign of love. From a person I love. At a time when I didn’t think I deserved love.

It didn’t fit with my world-view.

So my world-view had to change.

I had to discard that lie and accept the truth instead.

And the truth is that I was already loved, well before I got in shape and landed a high-status job.

The truth is that if your friends love you for your wealth and status, you need new friends.

The truth is that love can’t be bought.

But it can be earned — by giving every bit of love you want to receive.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting money and power. But don’t lie to yourself about what you can buy with it.

I try to write these articles in under 2 hours and routinely take 10 instead… it’s no small effort! If you believe that effort is worthwhile, show me with a like, comment or subscription 🧡